The DaVinci Code Sucks

by Mike Shea on 19 September 2007

The French police cryptologist girl who first saves the main character is actually the "Holy Grail", which is actually the bloodline of Jesus and Mary Magdalyn. There, I just saved you two and a half hours of your life or even more if you ever considered reading Dan Browns epic tale of bullshit. I normally violently oppose spoilers but in this case I see it as a public service.

It would take considerable talent to make DaVinci code suck any worse. The story is an insult to the actors involved including Sir Ian McKellen and Jean Reno. Don't get me wrong, any movie that pokes the Catholic Church in the eye has to have some merit, but when you treat the main story with such distain for the intelligence of the audience, it doesn't matter who you poke in the eye.

Consider the scene where our two main characters are at gunpoint only to be saved by birds. BIRDS! Now also consider that the guy who was about to shoot them wasn't supposed to. What would he have done if the pisgeons hadn't attacked? Then consider that this bird chased shooter is actually working for Ian McKellen who is also "The Teacher" but pretends to hate him and hits him before the whole pidgeon scene. Why the ruse? Everyone in the room is either aware of it or will become so in less than a minute. The only purpose, it seems, is to screw with the audience.

This is only one such coincidental happenstance, the largest being that the descendant of Jesus is a police cryptologist that immediately gets involved in the plot to find herself. Good thing she wasn't getting a coffee that minute. Oh yeah, and the guy our hero chooses to go meet to talk about Grail lore is actually the guy who planned this whole thing with the Opes Dei jackasses. It's like they had twelve roles and only five characters so everyone had to either be the teacher or the ancestor of Jesus. And, if you happen to capture an albino monk murderer but he will be important to the plot later, just cart him all over Europe for no good aparent reason. That way he can escape just when the plot calls for it.

Stupid. My number one movie rule is "don't treat me like an idiot". The DaVinci code did just that. I felt like, after two and a half hours of that, that I was a dumber person than when I started.

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